Grieving
When my sister died back in 87 88 89 the late 80’s at the age of thirtysomething, my mom was devastated. And I mean devastated! When we got the call, she let out a wail that I can still hear like it was yesterday. And she cried for about a month. I swear that’s no exaggeration. It was for a whole month. My sister was my mom’s 4th child, and the 1st of 2 girls.
When my brother died last week at the age of 56, my mom certainly cried. He was her first born child. But she’s not displaying the intensity of grief that she did for my sister.
Of course, that could be attributed to many things. My brother was 56, not thirtysomething. He had 5 kids and several grandkids, my sister had had none. While he was my mom’s first born, he wasn’t a daughter and therefore didn’t have the mother/daughter bond. I don’t know.
But…my mom was functional on Friday (2 days after he died, 1 day before the funeral), running errands and doing grocery shopping. She was functional the evening after the funeral, as my twins and I spent the night there while my oldest had a sleepover at home. She had no problems making them dinner or breakfast the next day. There was no crying.
Until…
Sunday morning about 10:30, the phone rang. Z answered it and spoke with the person on the other end for a few moments before handing the phone to my mom and saying, “It’s Joanne.”
And then my mom changed. With a voice that sounded like it was such an effort to speak through the sobbing she said, “H-h-hello? N-no…I’m fine. I know I should go to church…::deep inhale::…but I just…just…can’t sobsobsob. I know. OK, bye.”
And then it stopped. With absolutely NO HINT of grief or sadness or any of what she was projecting through the phone she asked what our plans were for the rest of the day. The phone rang again and it was my (now) oldest brother. She spoke with him easily, solidifying the plans for the coming weekend when he is going to come down with a chain saw to cut down some bushes along the side of her house.
It was weird. It almost seemed like she was milking it for all it was worth when she had Joanne on the phone.
And I know that’s terrible of me to think, much less say, but that’s exactly what it seemed like.
Kevin, I recently lost my grandma and I have to honestly say that I see everyone handles loss differently. I don't remember seeing my Grandfather cry, but I'm sure he did. He had to they were together for 55 YEARS! My aunts, her daughters, some were totally useless b/c of sadness while others kept things together and made sure life kept going.
Even now, there are times we're able to talk about Grandma just fine. Other times I even think about her and I'm choking back tears. I don't know if your mom was "milking" it or not, (but hey if she did who's going to call her out on it?) but I really believe people grieve differently. So, IMO, there's no right or wrong.
Again, I'm sorry for your family's loss. {{hugs}}
*~*Cece*~* said...
Wed Nov 07, 06:59:00 PM EST
Kevin, I've got to say that I grieve differently depending on who I'm with.
In the presence of good friends who I would normally let my guard down around and let see my cry, the emotions would flow. I would have no problem showing emotion in front of Cece, Craze, Beth, Carrie, Sassy, etc. Those girls know me better than my family.
In the presence of family (parents, bro, etc), I would not let all my emotions flow. They would be metered, if shown at all. Why? I don't know. Maybe because that is just my role in my family. I am the strong one, the one depended upon for strength while the others break down.
Point is, each person grieves in their own way and not even in the same way with everyone. There's no right. There's no wrong (well, other than fighting over who gets the TV before the casket is in the ground because that is just tacky). Grieving is as varied as we, the human race, are.
Sue said...
Wed Nov 07, 07:38:00 PM EST
i think, sometimes, you will act in a way you think people expect you to act...even if you're not aware of it. maybe she knows she can be herself with you without judgement but feels she needs to play the part of joanne. or vice versa. i don't know. people are fucked up.
i just want to say, i think it's fantastic how provocative you are on your blog. you're willing to bring up topics that really ignite reactive responses both positive and negative...and you're not afraid of the negative. i just want to say...it's inspiring.
ok, that's as nice as i get.
Kara said...
Wed Nov 07, 09:55:00 PM EST
Grief is a very unique process; we each deal with it very differently and there is no right or wrong. I think your mom is just dealing the best way she can.
Craze said...
Thu Nov 08, 06:52:00 PM EST
When my son died, different people triggered different reactions in me. This doesn't surprise me in the least.
Loralee Choate said...
Wed Nov 14, 02:43:00 AM EST
Are you sad? This is strange? 56 is certainly way too young to die in my opinion. I'm very sorry for your mom, for you, and for the rest of your family. Wow.
Manic Mom said...
Wed Nov 28, 10:24:00 AM EST
OK, I'm reading earlier posts now. I'm understanding a bit more.
Still, sorry.
Manic Mom said...
Wed Nov 28, 10:26:00 AM EST